To wake up one morning and actually want to be here, only to find out that it is time to go!
When I came into this physical womb, I was terrified. After a few years I began to feel as though I may be OK, but then became terrified again. It had nothing to do with me, it was just the way it was presented to me.
My parents fought like they hated each. This happened all the time! It was just like my own little tiny war zone, because at three years old; when people are screaming at the top of their lungs, is has the same effect as a bomb going off.
To a three year old, when plates start flying, it has the same effect as gun fire and when the pulling, grabbing and threatening start to occur, it has the same effect as someone being torn to shreds by shrapnel.
It is the same thing to a three year old, because when the physical, mental and emotional abuse takes place there is a loss of family unit, as everything the mother/father supposed to stand for and protect is destroyed.
Instead of keeping you safe and nurturing your growth, they destroy you and lock you into state a state of constant fear. It is not their fault, it is just the way they are.
I just turned 53 years old and celebrated 9 years of sobriety and I guarantee you that I have PTSD. No body really understands, to a small child, it feels like a war and the child knows the truth; it is a war!It is the adult which dismisses it as something other than a war.
I felt terrified, then I felt OK and then I was terrified again. There was a short time when I had been here for around nine years that I felt OK. I felt safe, loved and nurtured. My parent bought a house in a safe neighborhood, in an area where many of my cousins lived and it was great.
I had a yard, a driveway, a basketball hoop and all my cousins around to play with. I felt safe. For the first time since I had been in the womb, I felt safe and there was one day I can remember, in which I actually felt like I may want to stay, but I came home from school and there was a moving truck outside my home.
Then it got real, real bad.
To this very day, my biggest fear is finally wanting to be on, only to find out that it is time to be off!
James Scott Velozo